Gone but not forgotten

[CaFordDude]

I will be gone for a while to deal with some personal issues. I will check in occassionally but not be posting regularly.

While I am gone you guys are not forgotten.

Keep growing.

P.S. Due to me being offline for an extended period of time there is no need to respond to this thread. You are all a great bunch of people and I know I have your best wishes.

Thanks

 

[Blue Goose]

Good luck Aaron, we'll miss your imput around here........Hurry back.

 

[O'Rattlecan]

Lookin forward to the day he returns. Good luck Aaron.

Ryan

 

[lenny1carl]

hope all is well.

 

[CaFordDude]

And now.....The Rest of the Story...

Ok Guys I am back, kind of.

So here is my life story (well the applicable part). My wife and I have been married for 10 years on March 08, 2007. We dated for 2 years before that. We have 2 beautiful children. Nichole(7) and Trevor(2). Now we have had our shares of ups and downs throughout the marriage but I never considered our marriage to "be in trouble".

Well my wife got a free trip to the Westminster dog show, the biggest dog show in the world, to be an assistant to her good friend and mentor that handles the #2 St Bernard in the country. She is excited to go and I am excited to let her go. She went to the show and had some "issues" getting back because of the weather, which I later find out to be Not entirely accurate. She reacquaints herself with a friend that raises dogs in MN. She finally gets home on Feb 19 and something does not seem right to me. Anyone that has been married or in a relationship for any length of time knows what that feeling is.

On Feb 20th I convince her to talk to me and she tells me that our marriage is over. That she does not love me anymore and she can not try to make it work. Needless to say at that point I was devastated. I proceed to spend the next two weeks begging her to stay and try and make it work. Telling her I will do anything to make it work. She is not budging. During this time my cop instinct starts taking over and I begin looking around at some things, cell phone bills, emails, misc cdroms etc... What I have uncovered since that time still astounds me.

While in New York she had an affair with this other guy. She proceeded to spend my money to get a connection of flights so she could meet him in a hotel that my money paid for, for the weekend. This guy is married with 2 children of his own. She is still continuing on this relationship to this day over the phone. I also uncover that she had a second affair in August 2005. Her friend tips me off to it and I find a password protected CDRom with stuff to him on it (Cracked that password no worries) On it I find pictures of them together, a few emails and a letter my wife wrote to him, the content of which would make Ivan and Seth blush.

All that stuff being found I still wanted to have my wife back and even offered her my forgivness for her sins against me. On Feb 21 I kicked her cheating ass out of the house that my blood sweat and tears has paid for. I took away my credit cards, ATM cards, Cell Phone etc. All the perks that come with being married to me. Since then she has been living in our 27ft travel trailer at the RV park.

She has contacted an attorney and so I guess I will have to do the same. Although my offer to pay her off to leave me and the kids has not been entirely turned down yet.

I have and still take my wedding vows very seriously. My promise before friends and God to her was better or worse, sickness and health, richer or poorer TILL DEATH DO US PART. Guess they were just words to her. Even though the bible has given me a clear out (Adultry is the one acceptable reason for divorce in the bible), as my pastor would say "Your square with God" I would still take her back in a heartbeat if she came back (obviousy with some behavorial changes).

So now what??????

Well my life is still kind of topsy turvy right now. I filed for divorce on March 01 and started the process to protect my kids and keep her from taking them out of state. There was a time when we were still talking amicably and we had worked out some issues but many still remain and now she is wavering on those things we already agreed on. I have the kids living with me in our house and I have no idea where she is going to live or how she is going to pay for it. She is angry I cut her off from the money even after I explained to her that I still have all the responsibilities I had 5 weeks ago while she has none.

I am in this strange state right now where in my mind I can reason that it is over and that is what is making me take the steps to protect myself and the kids but my heart still wants her back. I have left the door open for her stating only that she needs to make the effort because I am done trying. Will it be too late though by the time she figures out what a huge mistake she has made? only time will tell. I will leave the light on for a bit but not forever.

And now the truly sad part. Her entire family has disowned her. They have all come to my aid saying I am getting the raw deal from her. On the day I filed for divorce her father (my father in law) stood beside me to help me file the papers, her mother still watches the kids on a regular basis. No one understands what happened to her. It is like the wire in her head that makes her care about things just got disconnected.

Anyways guys, thaks for thinking about me. I am still working through this and will be for some time but I will probably be around more now that I don't have the constraints of a relationship anymore .

If you have any questions I will try and answer them best I can. There are still a lot of things I do not know, mainly why, but there are some others also.

Good to see the board did not fall apart while I was gone.

 

[slmann]

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I hope things work out for the best. If you need someone to talk to just send me a pm, e-mail me ([email protected]) or just keep talking here in this post. We are all your friends here and will provide as much support as we can.

 

[blacksnapon]

Aaron, somewhere in your heart is something that "calms" your inner beast. Whether it be cooking, woodworking, outdoor activities, etc. This is what you need to be concentrating on. Remember to provide for your children. To the children, mommy and daddy can do no wrong. Be aware of their feelings as well. My artwork has brought me through many dark times in my life. Find something that you can throw your emotions into. When you are calm, you can overcome any obstacle. I hope the best for you, our thoughts are with you!

 

[6L PWR]

WOW! Yeah, vince about summed things up. I don't think anyone can say they understand how you feel unless they've been through something like this themselves. My sister-in-law got dealt something very similar. Her ex had the wool pulled over everyones eyes. Her raw deal was when he brought the other woman to her house to introduce her and tell her he had found his soulmate and wanted to be done. At the time, my sister-in-law was 8 months pregnant. If I ever see that SOB on the street, I don't know what I'll do.

Anyway, we're all here for you anytime you need some moral support.

 

[CaFordDude]

Aaron, somewhere in your heart is something that "calms" your inner beast.

That something used to be the love I had for my wife. Now it will be my kids and my dogs.

 

[Brian_B]

WOW. I am truly sorry to hear that this is happening.

I don't have any children, but I went though something sort of similar. When my kidney's originally failed in 94, I worked as long as I could afterward (about 6 months). 16 weeks after I lost my job (wife had to work part time for 16 weeks), she left. That was a few days after my back pay check from disibility came in (planned you think?). I cannot prove 100% that there was another guy, but everyone told me that later.

It hurt badly for years and I was very bitter toward females. I took those vows seriously too. Eventually, I met a female who became a close friend who talked me though my bad emotions. Even that took several years. I am over it now, but I am still single all these years later.

I can't say that you will ever heal completely, but you will move on with your life. You have to do so for the kids. At least you have children and be thankful for that.

Being alone is not good at all.

 

[tcbofade]

Wow. I'm sorry that you're going through that. For what it's worth, I'm almost exactly two years past the point where you are right now...after a VERY similiar situation.

You will get through this.

And you've got this wonderful bunch of guys to come gripe at! We listen. And provide feedback. They've been a big help to me.

 

[O'Rattlecan]

Hey Aaron, I don't think I could cover it better or even supplement what these guys have said... but on the other hand. If you need anything, let me or any of these top notch guys here know.

Ryan

 

[Fellro]

Getting blindsided like that makes it hurt even more. I haven't been hit like that, but I have had essentially two marriage type relations fall apart. First was actual marriage, can't say I regret kicking her to the curb, found out she was trying to cheat on me, the funny part was that the object of her desires wanted nothing of it, even outright told me what was going on, as did many others who witnessed it... The real sad thing is, I don't feel a thing for her, but she sure has a lot of animopsity towards me, and it reflects through our daughter.
Second time wasn't a cheating thing as far as I am aware, but we were never married, although I treated it like we were. I think all the meds she was on were screwing with her head. She's no longer on most of them, but the damage was already done, and I had moved on. I do stil think well of her, and miss her from time to time. She has 3 kids, and the oldest is doing well for himself, and we respect each other. The youngest, the only girl, has had 2 kids and will just turn 20 this fall. She still calls me Dadand we have good relations, just wish she would listen better, but what do you do? It was hard letting that relation go, but I have to say I have a great wife now, puts up with my quirks and such, and we rarely argue, let alone fight. It will be a while, but you may move on and find someone who actually values you for who you are, seems to be a lost thing in our society these days.
When initially separated from my first wife, I wanted her back even though she was essentially poison for me. After a few months, things really started to come clear, and I haven't wanted her back since. She isn't happy with any male, she has some kind of complex, just ran off on her second husband... He treated her well also, and she dumped on him.
Hang tough, time will help heal the pain. It is hard, especially after so long. Be there for the kids, as they take it hard as well. Make sure they know it wasn't anything they did, and try not to run down their mother to them. They don't need that stress, they will have enough already to deal with.

 

[Bob Ayers]

Aaron, so sorry to hear about the pain you are going through!! You, and your family , will be in my thoughts and prayers!!!!

I am impressed about the caring for the members from the admins on FTF! You will never find this on the "other site"!!!

 

[CaFordDude]

Thanks for all the support folks.

It is a very strange place I am in right now. I have these very two distinct and different sets of feelings right now.

In my mind I can reason that the marriage is over as her words and actions all indicate she has no desire to reconcile. I understand that and to that end am taking the necessary steps to protect myself and my kids. IE filing for divorce, consulting with an attorney, seeing a counsler etc...

In my heart on the other hand I can not understand why she does not want to make this work. As stupid as this sounds when we got married and took those vows they meant something to me. I grew up and never had anything to offer anyone but my word, my bond. My word is who I am. It is who I am in my personal life and it is who I am in my professional life. In police work if your word is not good then you might as well hang up the sam browne and pick another profession as you will never have a case go to trial. I mean seriously fellas, if I go to the grocery store and they forget to charge me for something I go back in and pay for it, if my daughter finds $1 in the parking lot I make her go turn it in. That is how much my word and my honesty means to me. I guess that is what makes it so hard for me to understand when someone else's word does not mean the same to them, especially when that other person is my wife.

I sit here now listening to my kids play in the shower, probably spraying the bathroom with water that will take me an hour to clean up and wonder why anyone would give this up. Those without kids may not be able to understand but if you have kids you surely do. I would trade 1000 raises, 10,000 promotions, and even my dream of being a K9 officer to be home with them more. And I did give up that dream when I changed departments. I was on the short list and told them no thank you because of my family, because it would take me away from home more then I cared to be away.

It is hard to express my passion for my family in typed words, with no facial expression to see or inflection to hear or body language to read but it is there. When people ask me what I do for fun I tell them spend time with my family. I have sacraficed and will continue to sacrifice my own wants and desires for my family. My feelings, wants, desires needs will always be second to them, at least for me.

You guys have been a better outlet then you can probably ever imagine.

 

[slmann]

We are here to help.

From reading your posts I too have a hard time understanding why she has done this to you. You are a great person and love your family very much. Take care of your kids they are going to need you. Like I said we are here to help anyway we can.

 

[Fellro]

I can imagine quite well what you mean about your kids and family. as well as how much of an outlet a forum such as this is.. A few years ago when I needed them most, the local guys of FTE were there for me, and I would bet they would be now if they came online much any more... Tell ya what, give your kids a hug for me, because that is one thing I can't do for my little girl any more, as that was the problem a few years ago, I had to let her go, which is still hard, because she is no longer of theis earth. Not trying to draw away from the focus here, but you still have your kids, and I do know you appreciate that fact. I can't say which would be worse, your current situation, or having lost her to death, neither are any cakewalk.

 

[lil_dq]

Aaron, I didn't realize this thread was about this, hell I figured you were goin on vacation (now you prob wish you were) but after reading this thread in its entirety, I have to say....well there's nothing I can say to make it better or right other than you can always find help here and we will do our best to comfort, support, and otherwise be a good place to vent anything!

Good Luck with all that this trying time shall bring and remember that you will always have the kids to fall back on and enjoy. You will eventually find someone new but for now just be supportive of the kids and try not to bad mouth mom around them, all they know is that mommy has left and prob don't realize why.

Good luck again and God be with you, you and your family will be in our prayers.

 

[CaFordDude]

As I said somewhere else. I hate being the bigger person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[kw5413]

But, the bigger person...is who you are. You will never be able to get away from it. It defines you.

Many have been in your shoes and feel your pain. I know I can. Hell, my first wife left me (and left with my oldest daughter) on Father's Day. A long time ago.

It will never get right but, it will get better. In fact, just keep watching your kids...hug them and tell them you love them every single day....and it will definitely get better.

As you know, you have friends in many places. Use all the resources available to you. Your will and the compassion of those that care...will overcome her weakness.

It is my guess that one of these will be watching over you and your family.

Good luck my friend.